August 22, 2019

Closed today on maintenance properties #9 and #10 bringing my guaranteed income up to $900/month. In a few days the business will have been open for 4 months. I feel successful, cautiously optimistic and deeply grateful.

August 16, 2019

Planting things equates to believing in a future that isn't a post apocalyptic wasteland. Telling people how you feel is hard but liberating. Owning a business is exciting, terrifying and exhausting, simultaneously. Wanting to do things does not inherently manifest the energy to get them done. Kayden loves chicken tenders and calls them "cheek", it's adorable. Loving a child makes all the other BS bearable. These are my thoughts for today.

August 14, 2019

I did my first tree job today. I was nervous but it went really well. I had a little help from a friend and a lovely customer who was happy with the work. I earned more for a day of work than I ever have before. My heart is full of gratitude tonight.

August 12, 2019

Summer.

August 11, 2019

I spend a lot of time wondering why he doesn't want more of me in his life, and then there I was today, my energy low, no inspired idea of where to go, and so we stayed in. My heart sank as I then asked myself why would he want to settle for this mess, glorious as it may sometimes be. It felt good to just relax with him beside me but the weight of self doubt was none the less crippling. 

Meanwhile my teacher son, unencumbered by the constructs of self doubt and commercialism, thoroughly enjoys an inner tube without an ounce of water.

August 10, 2019

Every day is a day in which my life changes. I couldn't begin to recount all the changes of the past 7 years so I won't even do them the injustice of trying. I will, as I've done so many times before, start where I am. I'll try to forgive myself the gaps in recall and record. I'll submit to the belief this heart won't release that writing it down matters.